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Is your child difficult or out of control? Every parent could use a list of quick-fix ideas to calm a child about to blow, or who is in the middle of a blow-out tantrum. They don't always come to mind when you're in the situation (standing in line at the grocery store, holding a bowl of mac n' cheese in one hand and a baby on your hip). Here are some suggestions to quickly de-escalate your child (and you) when tempers are flaring. Distraction Maybe we don't all have a goofy puppet in our back pocket (although that's not a bad idea either), but we can remove a child from the situation or change the subject. My daughter once would not stop whining about getting another treat, and although I came up with some brilliant points as to why she didn't need anymore, she could not stop thinking and nagging about it until I offered an alternative activity, or got us both out of the room where she was getting hung up on her own idea. Humor Never use sarcasm, but silliness is very disarming. Start making faces, act like a monkey, answer in a funny voice, "Let's see, do you want some candy poopies or chocolate boogers for breakfast?" Tell a knock-knock joke. Singing Start singing a silly song loudly, ask them to sing along. This is not suggested for a mid-store adventure, but could work there too, right? Shoppers might rather hear "I'm a Little Teapot" rather than "Gimme!" in that "wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?"-voice coined by Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. Make it a Contest "Who can make the silliest pouty face?" For some reason this has been on the top of our list when our oldest gets in a pouty mood. Although it has actually led to more whining when she says you always make the silliest one, "I never win!" So don't be funnier than your child. "Who can yell the loudest?" ( and then while you've got them going, "who can whisper the quietest?") Taking Over "Then I will do it for you." I will often give my child a choice between performing the task I've asked them to do to which they are not budging or throwing a fit over. They can do it themselves, or I will do it for them. Sometimes they will do it, but when they don't, then I take over, but I make it interesting, like turning them upside down or skipping to the bedroom while hugging them. Stop and Listen Sometimes just taking a time out, crouching down to their level and giving them all your attention can actually distract them from whatever fit they are throwing. And ultimately, that is the source of a lot of tantrums, they have been waiting for your attention for one thing or another, and although we can't stop the world for every little request, taking just 30 seconds to look into their eyes and even holding their face (gently!) and saying, "I'm listening to you" can take diffuse the ranting and raving. Make Your Own List So make your own list! Take some of these ideas, mix it with what you've got going in your family already and post it on your fridge, laminate it and put it in your wallet. I'm totally serious on this one. When you're tired and you've had it, your child's favorite song is not going to pop into your head. Make it available to refer to easily and hopefully you and your child will be saved another disappointing parenting "moment," and instead create a triumph of parenting brilliance! Symptoms of Behavior Disorders Any parent, especially those of young children, will tell you that dealing with tantrums and bad behavior is just part of the job description. But at what point does being naughty cross into there being a serious problem? Behavior disorders are more common than many parents may realize, and keeping an eye on your child's behavior and keeping up with how they are progressing in their education can help you determine whether or not there may be a greater issue at hand. Bad behavior should be expected to a certain degree with your child, but there are some symptoms of behavior disorders you should keep an eye out for. These include:
It may be hard to believe that these are just some of the common symptoms of behavior disorders. Since there are so many types of behavior disorders, there are many other symptoms that may present themselves in your child. Only your primary doctor or a health care provider experienced with behavior disorders will be able to tell if you should be concerned with your child's behavior and development. It is also important to understand that if not properly treated these emotional and behavioral problems in children can remain as they become adults. Suspect your child behavior is caused by a mental illness? : Is your child acting out or showing unusual behavior that is resistant to change? Have you noticed a severe decline in school performance, frequent outbursts of anger, or potentially life-threatening actions? Do you wonder when temper tantrums or a stubborn nature go beyond what is typical? Is your youngster acting fearful, depressed or aggressive to the point of setting fires or killing animals? When problems are severe, persistent and disrupt daily life, you may be dealing with a biologically and organically based mental illness that, despite your best efforts as a parent, will require expert medical intervention. Don't experience guilt, blame or shame. It is not your fault if your child is not responding the way other children seem to. You are most likely doing the best you can as a responsible, loving, caring, nurturing parent, but all the love you have in your heart is not enough to help a child overcome a biologically based mental illness. Reach out for professional help. Begin with your pediatrician, and then be open to referrals to specialists in the fields of child psychiatry, neurology, endocrinology, nutrition and other appropriate disciplines for both diagnosis and treatment. A major part of any solution lies within defining the problem, so a differential diagnosis from medical experts is critical. You cannot do this alone. Be patient as you put together a multi-disciplinary team of professionals that you trust and think is right for your child. When you meet with the experts, do not be passive. Ask questions. No one knows your child better than you and nobody in this world wants the best for your child as passionately as you do. You may not have a medical background, but your questions and observations will be helpful. Ask about possible biochemical imbalances or brain disorders, which may be the foundation of your child's symptomology.
Become a part of your child's multi-disciplinary management team. While you are not to blame, you do have a very important role in helping your child achieve the best level of adjustment. As the leader of your family, you can create a family and home situation that will be fertile ground for re-parenting your child as part of the treatment plan. You may need to make additional sacrifices in order to start committing more time to your family. Be open to all solutions, even things you might initially want to dismiss. Just because you don't agree wholeheartedly with an avenue of approach doesn't mean it might not work in your family. Don't slam the door on certain alternatives or coping tools without exploring them completely first. Now is not the time to be judgmental or resist some tools and resources that may genuinely help you. Reassure your child that your home is a safe place where he is loved and cared about. It can only help your child to know that you will stand by his side and help him get through it. Keep communication channels with your child open. Encourage him to ask questions and express feelings, and be ready and available to listen. Stay calm. You may feel helpless, frustrated, exhausted, scared and countless other emotions, but you need to stay in charge of yourself in order to inspire confidence and have a stabilizing effect on the rest of the family. Remove danger. Depending on what signs your child is exhibiting that concern you, be cautious about potential physical or emotional danger. For example, consider confiscating dangerous objects or avoiding certain people. This won't help you get to the cause of your child's issue, but it will protect him in the meantime. Do not attack or blame your child. With the help of a multi-disciplinary team, you will get to the core of the problem and find a solution. Indicting the child or punishing him will not help you reach your goal of getting the help, support and long-term solution that you need.
Beware of labels. Using the term "mentally ill" around your child can be detrimental. A child's interpretation can cause them to demonize themselves, invoking shame and guilt. For adults, We advocate for an open dialogue about mental illness, but for kids, it can snowball into terms like "crazy," "whacko," "weird," and then they may live to their label. Close ranks. Communicate with the rest of your family, be open and honest with your concerns, and support one another. Family unity is essential for getting through troubled times. Draw on other resources. In addition to a multi-disciplinary medical team, consider speaking with clergy members, your child's teachers or school counselor, your friends and local support groups. Take one day at a time. If you haven't yet gotten a diagnosis for your child, worrying about the future is not going to help you. First you need to get more information and resources, and then you need to move forward with a diagnosis and a treatment plan. Recognize that this is a challenge you will manage. Life is not a success-only journey. You may have a difficult road ahead of you as you begin to find help for your child, but your family will emerge stronger, healthier and more bonded. What treatments are available for behavior disorders: Therapy Many parents are reluctant to put their children on medications and find that a therapist can provide resources that can help without a prescription. Occupational therapy can help a child increase their self-esteem and feel pride in their accomplishments. This change in emotion can often lessen the negative behavior. Kids Health says that occupational therapy is good for kids because it can be adapted to include the things in a child's life that can be compared to others, helping establish the problem and a proper treatment. In addition, many children can benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which sets out to change a behavior that is undesirable to one that is acceptable. Finally, a child can learn the value of reaching out for help by seeing a therapist. Alternative Medicine There are many alternative medical techniques that are being more widely used to treat behavioral problems in children. This includes the use of massage, also known as manipulative therapy, which helps a child focus on their body. Herbal medicine is also used, which involves the use of extracts, herbal supplements, additional nutrients and consuming certain foods. The belief is that changing what goes into the body can greatly affect how it reacts to situations, something that is very important for children with behavioral problems. According to Kids Health, meditation, yoga and biofeedback can be helpful as it helps the child focus on their body, how their body feels under relaxation as opposed to stress as well as helping them seek help and begin to sense the cues that lead to negative behaviors. Medication While medication is commonly considered a more conventional treatment for behavioral problems, which are often associated with mental disorders, combined with the above mentioned treatments it is a good way to reduce depression and anxiety, which can cause a child to act out because they don't fully understand what has happening to them. In addition, medications can help a child achieve a sense of calm that will help them be able to learn alternative methods to express their emotions. The National Institute for Mental Health maintains that combining medications with other treatment methods produce the best results for these children.
What are treatments for mental health issues in children? There are several major categories of psychotropic medications: stimulants, antidepressants, antianxiety agents, antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers. For medications approved by the FDA for use in children, dosages depend on body weight and age. The Medications Chart in this booklet shows the most commonly prescribed medications for children with mood or anxiety disorders (including OCD).
Stimulant Medications: There are four stimulant medications that are approved for use in the treatment of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), the most common behavioral disorder of childhood. These medications have all been extensively studied and are specifically labeled for pediatric use. Children with ADHD exhibit such symptoms as short attention span, excessive activity, and impulsivity that cause substantial impairment in functioning. Stimulant medication should be prescribed only after a careful evaluation to establish the diagnosis of ADHD and to rule out other disorders or conditions. Medication treatment should be administered and monitored in the context of the overall needs of the child and family, and consideration should be given to combining it with behavioral therapy. If the child is of school age, collaboration with teachers is essential.
Antidepressant and Antianxiety Medications: These medications follow the stimulant medications in prevalence among children and adolescents. They are used for depression, a disorder recognized only in the last twenty years as a problem for children, and for anxiety disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The medications most widely prescribed for these disorders are the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (the SSRIs).
In the human brain, there are many "neurotransmitters" that affect the way we think, feel, and act. Three of these neurotransmitters that antidepressants influence are serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. SSRIs affect mainly serotonin and have been found to be effective in treating depression and anxiety without as many side effects as some older antidepressants.
Antipsychotic Medications: These medications are used to treat children with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism, Tourette's syndrome, and severe conduct disorders. Some of the older antipsychotic medications have specific indications and dose guidelines for children. Some of the newer "atypical" antipsychotics, which have fewer side effects, are also being used for children. Such use requires close monitoring for side effects.
Mood Stabilizing Medications: These medications are used to treat bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness). However, because there is very limited data on the safety and efficacy of most mood stabilizers in youth, treatment of children and adolescents is based mainly on experience with adults. The most typically used mood stabilizers are lithium and valproate (Depakote®), which are often very effective for controlling mania and preventing recurrences of manic and depressive episodes in adults. Research on the effectiveness of these and other medications in children and adolescents with bipolar disorder is ongoing. In addition, studies are investigating various forms of psychotherapy, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, to complement medication treatment for this illness in young people.
Effective treatment depends on appropriate diagnosis of bipolar disorder in children and adolescents. There is some evidence that using antidepressant medication to treat depression in a person who has bipolar disorder may induce manic symptoms if it is taken without a mood stabilizer. In addition, using stimulant medications to treat co-occurring ADHD or ADHD-like symptoms in a child with bipolar disorder may worsen manic symptoms. While it can be hard to determine which young patients will become manic, there is a greater likelihood among children and adolescents who have a family history of bipolar disorder. If manic symptoms develop or markedly worsen during antidepressant or stimulant use, a physician should be consulted immediately, and diagnosis and treatment for bipolar disorder should be considered.
What do I do if my child has become a danger to my family or himself?
Before we discuss ways to stop verbal abuse, threats, and intimidation, I want to say that these are very difficult issues to deal with individually in your home. This type of behavior is generally a manifestation of a much bigger problem and a symptom of something more global that is going on with your child. While I’m going to try to focus attention on these individual behaviors in this article, I can’t stress enough that parents need to have a systematic way of dealing with these problems so that they don’t simply move from crisis to crisis with their child. Parents need a comprehensive structure, a set of guidelines and procedures from which they can draw guidance and strength in order to deal with these very serious things as they occur. If your child doesn’t want to go to school, resists getting dressed, has behavior problems in school and at home, and is threatening you and being verbally abusive, know that his whole level of functioning is off: being abusive to his siblings or to you is only one piece of it.
Children Who Threaten, Intimidate and Verbally Abuse Family Members There is no excuse for abuse, physical or otherwise. That rule should be written on an index card with a black magic marker and posted on your refrigerator. The message to your child is, “If you’re abusive, there’s no excuse. I don’t want to hear what the reason was. There’s no justification for it. There’s nobody you can blame. You are responsible and accountable for your abusive behavior. And by ‘responsible,’ I mean it’s nobody else’s fault, and by ‘accountable’ I mean there will be consequences.”
Does your child yell, or call you names or swear at you?
Many siblings will tease each other excessively from time to time and even have physical fights with each other. There’s a difference between that level of rivalry, and a situation where one sibling is picking on, demoralizing and targeting a younger sibling as an object of abuse. These are two very different situations and neither one should be taken lightly. But certainly, when you see a situation where there’s clearly a perpetrator and clearly a victim, it has to be dealt with in the strictest, sternest ways. Remember this: if you have an older child who’s abusive, and you let that child get away with this kind of behavior, your younger child will start to realize that his sibling is more powerful than you are as a parent. The younger child will begin to think that you can’t keep him safe from his older sibling. Once he realizes that, the next thing he’ll start to do is give in to his older sibling. You’ll hear the oldest sibling say abusive, foul things and then you’ll hear the younger kid say, “I’m sorry.” These are very powerful, damaging things to be happening in the family and should not be taken lightly. As far as the nature of the consequences or the nature of the limits set in this situation, again, that belongs to a more comprehensive discussion about how families should run and how parents should manage their families using a comprehensive structure. When your child abuses anyone in your family, tell him, “There’s no excuse for abuse. You’re not allowed to abuse people. Go to your room.” Be prepared for him to blame the victim, because that’s what abusive people do; it’s an easy way out. Abusive people say, “I wouldn’t have abused you but you…” and fill in the blank. So your child might say, “I’m sorry I hit you, but you yelled at me.” What they’re really saying is, “I’m sorry I hit you, but it was your fault.” And if you listen to the apologies of many of these abusive kids, that’s what you get. “I’m sorry, but you wouldn’t give me a cookie.” “I’m sorry I called her a name but she wouldn’t let me play the video game.” What they’re constantly saying is, “I’m sorry, but it’s your fault,” and it absolutely does not mean they’re sorry. It means, “I’m sorry, but it’s not my responsibility.” And when a child doesn’t take responsibility for a certain behavior, they see no reason to change it. They’ve just learned to mimic the words. It becomes another false social construct that comes out of their mouths without any meaning or understanding behind it whatsoever—and if you buy into it, you’re allowing that child to continue his abusive behavior and power thrusting.
Having Problem-Solving Conversations with Your Child When children use abusive behavior to solve their problems, it’s important that they learn a way to replace that behavior with healthier problem-solving skills. It’s just not enough to point out—and give consequences for—that abusive behavior. It’s also important to help your child replace their inappropriate behavior with something that will help him solve the problem at hand without getting into trouble or hurting others. Here’s the bottom line: if we don’t help kids replace their inappropriate behavior with something healthier, they’re going to fall back on the inappropriate behavior every time. That’s their default program. Parents also should develop ways to have problem-solving conversations with their kids. So the next time they’re faced with a similar situation, they need to ask themselves what they can do to solve the problem differently, besides hurting someone’s feelings, being abusive or threatening. For instance, the next time your verbally abusive daughter calls her younger brother names and threatens him in order to get him off the computer, you should not only correct her, but later, have a conversation with her when things calm down. That conversation should be, “The next time you’re frustrated when you want to get on the computer, what can you do differently so you don’t get into trouble and get more consequences. What can you do to get more rewards?” I think the focus should be on how the abusive child should avoid getting into trouble and being given consequences, rather than on how they should not hurt their brother. Abusive people don’t care about their victims. I don’t think we should be appealing to their sense of empathy and humanity. I think we should be appealing to their self-interest, because self-interest is a very powerful motivator. Look at it this way: if they had empathy or sympathy, they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Intimidation and Threats of Violence If a parent is frightened about physically destructive behavior, destruction of property, or threats of violence, I want to be very clear about this: Call the police. It’s very simple. “He threatened to hurt me and I don’t feel safe with him here tonight.” What will the police do? I don’t know. But I’ll tell you, your child will know that you’re not just going to sit around and be bullied. It’s not what the police do—it’s what your child will understand. So call the police if you think you’re in danger. Call the police if you’re assaulted. And keep calling the police until they do something. Learn how to manage your angry child. If you’re frightened, make sure you don’t have weapons in the house. Make sure you don’t have violence in the house. Get rid of the violent music. If your child threatens violence or gets violent, that music should be gone, as well as video games that promotes violence. If you have an abusive child in the house, movies, video games and music that glorify or glamorize violence should be banned. That’s one of the things your child should lose the right to immediately. And you can say, “You no longer have the right to listen to that kind of music because you weren’t able to manage it.” You should also call your state’s Department of Child Services and say, “My son is threatening me,” or “My son hit me.” Don’t be afraid they’re going to take your child. They don’t want to take financial or legal responsibility for him, unless he’s in danger. The idea is that you’re making noise; you’re creating a paper trail. You’re letting people know that these things are happening from an early age, because if the day comes when your child hurts somebody, your goal is that he will be held accountable. Parents who are afraid of their kids getting locked up for this kind of behavior do not understand the juvenile justice system whatsoever. The wheels of justice turn excruciatingly slowly. Nobody wants to lock your child up. In fact, if your child has severe behavior problems and behaves criminally at home, you’ll be lucky if somebody decides to lock him up. If he’s so out of control that the authorities hold him responsible by locking him up, do not fear that a bit. The juvenile justice system and the child welfare system are overwhelmed and under-funded. But we use them because if your kid does change, fine. If the child doesn’t change, then there’s a body of evidence that says, “This kid has been out of control for a long time.” And you’re going to want that body of evidence sometime, because believe me, if you’re talking to your child’s probation officer when he’s 15 or 16, you’ll be glad you have three years where you’ve documented what this kid has put you through. If your child is starting to threaten you or abuse you verbally, is there still hope to turn his or her behavior around, even if he’s a teen? There’s always hope. But hope without action and change is pointless. If you want your child to turn their behavior around without them making some very fundamental changes right away, I don’t hold out much hope for that. If you have a middle- to older-aged teen and they’re threatening you, being verbally abusive and intimidating, and you’re not able or willing to take some risks, I personally don’t think there will be any turning around. Nothing changes if nothing changes. The sooner you start, the better chance you have of changing this behavioral dynamic, but it will mean changing your whole family dynamic. In other words, if you want to change the way your child is doing things, you’re going to have to change the way your whole family is doing things.
Jacksonville, Florida resources to get the help you need (Income based or low income)
Mental Health Programs in Jacksonville Florida and surrounding counties:
1 UNF Drive (Building 3/Room 1302) Jacksonville, FL 32224
4203 South point Blvd Jacksonville, FL 32216
12276 San Jose Blvd. Suite 508 Jacksonville, FL 32223
4600 Beach Boulevard, Jacksonville, FL 32207
3560 Cardinal Point Drive Suite 204, Jacksonville, FL 32257
8280 Princeton Square Blvd. W. Suite 10, Jacksonville, FL 32256
Alternatives for out of control teens:
Aimed at reducing recidivism within the community and providing new opportunities for rehabilitated youths, the Jacksonville Juvenile Assessment Center addresses juvenile crime. The center offers a centralized location to receive, process and intervene with teens who who have committed or are likely to commit a crime. "Timely intervention with juveniles can divert them from the wrong course and set them on a better road---one that doesn't lead back to the justice system," said Mayor John Peyton on the Florida Department of Juvenile Justice website.
Juvenile Assessment Center 1283 E. 8th St. Jacksonville, FL 32206 904-356-9835 (coj.net)
RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTERS FOR TROUBLED TEENS (BOYS AND GIRLS)
The JUL is in a consortium of eight urban league affiliates in the state of Florida that administers the YCP and BOB programs. YCP/BOB provides youths with positive exposure to activities that influence personal growth and development, career choices and academic achievement. Activities include Young Urban Poet Society. Behind-the-Scenes Business Tours. Teen and Young Parents Symposium. Jail Tours, and the OAG Conference. More than 1,600 children and families have received services locally in parenting skills, tutorial assistance, teen pregnancy prevention, residential security surveys, and school dropout prevention counseling.
The Youth Crime Prevention program of the Jacksonville Urban League provides services to prevent at-risk youth from engaging in criminal activities. Community Bridge Building and Teen Summit are among the programs offered through the Youth Crime Prevention Program. Community Bridge Building discusses significant crime issues and prevention strategies with local residents, law enforcement officials, and educators. Teen Summit promotes personal and community empowerment among youth through field trips, community service projects and workshops. The Youth Crime Prevention Program provides tutorial assistance to enable youth to achieve success academically. An employability skill-training program is also provided to youth ages 16-18 years old. Services for first time offenders are provided in conjunction with the juvenile court system and Department of Juvenile Justice. Participants receive a specially designed curriculum to prevent repeat violations. At risk children are engaged in enjoyable activities to reduce risk factors. Counseling and intervention are also provided.
Jacksonville, Florida, USA In life there will be consequences. The sooner children learn about the law of consequences, the faster they will start making good chis a wake up call for good children making poor choices. One visit to our wilderness camp is usually all it takes. We put today’s children in a wilderness environment: no air conditioning, no TV, no video or computer games, no running water, no bathroom, no comfortable beds and no phones. One camp without their things helps children gain a better appreciation for everything their parents do provide for them at home. Our children wake at 4:30 every morning to begin their workday. We cut trails, clear brush and help the forestry service maintain the environment. In today’s society, we teach children to be “little consumers”. But we don’t teach our kids how to “give back.” We rob our children of the positive feelings we receive when we help or do for others. Working just at Camp Consequence not only helps children understand that every behavior has a consequence it can also help children feel better about themselves. Giving parents more options is what we are all about. In addition to the Camp Consequence experience, we can help you learn to motivate your children and change unwanted behavior without fighting or arguing. We don’t control our children, but as parents, we do control everything in our house. Helping you duplicate the Camp Consequence experience at home is what we are all about.
Please after reading this do not feel discouraged if there is not an immediate fix, remember NOT all children are the same and each one should be treated as an individual. Each child comes with his or her own personality and issues that may have to be addressed one at a time. Always know that there IS a solution, the best thing you can do is seek help and DO NOT just give up your child needs you and may be acting out for attention or a deeper issue that you may be unaware of.
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